Female Undeclared Thoughts

In a dark long way that looks like a tunnel, where the ground is not paved, having curves and waves, she was taking wide steps on the road. She leaned on a wall to breathe. Her breath could be heard. She turned her face backwards to where she came from and yelled: Hey! Come on. We still have long way to go. He walked slowly, pulling his legs, having a pale face and very exhausted look, till he approached her. She: You look tired! He looked at her in a slow motion that seemed as if he couldn't even raise his iris upwards. She said in excitement: Come on. we still have long way to go. He didn't seem excited. On the contrary, it seemed like she just added more burden on him. Then with sympathy: I know it was a long and hard way...but when we arrive, things will be different. He gave her that look that says he doesn't believe that. In a tender voice she said: Have some patience. She looked at his bottle of water. It was almost empty! In a desperate voice: You ran ou...

Hard times...I'm too stressed. It's splitting me apart seeing my dream fades away and it's killing me that the effort of 6 years dissipates. Motivating myself while everything around pushes me down is such a hard mission. It's as if I'm watching my little son suffocating...such a terrible thing! Running here and there, trying to help him, while I am in so much pain. It's hard to think...my mind is not clear. Decisions are hard to take. Sometimes I surrender to the idea of immigration. I feel I'm fed up. Then, I'm pulled back by the thoughts that I have been defeated and that I gave up my dream. I failed! I cannot achieve my dream and I cannot give up! This is my second time. I once gave up a dream too after struggling too much. What is painful is that my dream is part of me...when I think I cannot make it, I believe I will die...as if I don't have any other options in life. I even believe that I will never succeed in my personal life accordi...

Hey...a visit for you. I hardly opened my eyes. The room is all in white with nothing but the bed I'm sleeping in and a table beside it. I gradually helped myself up...out of bed. I left the room, walking slowly towards the visitors' room. He was waiting there, looking down at the floor. So many memories passed by my mind, good and bad. I could feel the struggle of anger and sympathy inside me. I sat in front of him with my hands on the table. He left his eyes up to look at me. With a modest smile, he said: Hi Me: I never thought you would come to visit me. With a surprised look on his face, he wondered: Why? Me: Regardless of being in hospital for the first time, I have been sick and in pain for so many times. Over the years, I have been addicted to many medications and drugs but you were never aware of it...or that's what I want to believe. His face flushed with regret and he looked down again. Moments of silence felt like long years. He looked at me again and...

Sitting on the beach, watching the most beautiful sunset scene ever, he slowly leaned and sat beside me. I turned my head towards him. He looked so gloomy and pale. I turned my head back to the sun: What happened to you? In a broken voice, he answered: I think I failed Long moment of silence... Still looking towards the sun, I replied: You promised me His voice seemed loaded with guilt: I know I did. You know I tried I could see the orange shades of the sun, glowing on the sea waves. A tear rolled down my cheek. I said in a desperate voice: I need you...to be able to live He answered: I don't think you believe in me anymore Me: If I'm losing my belief, then I'm already dying He: I'm sorry I let you down His voice was telling truly how sorry he was...I could feel the pain wrapping his words As the sun was sinking in the sea, I turned my face towards him to find out that he's gone. He disappeared with the last beam of sun.

في الحب متعة وقيد. تمتزج السعادة بالألم. تختلط الكثير من الأحاسيس المتناقضة.  هي تنظر إليه بطرف عينيها في خجل...دائماً مقيدة بالكثير من الأفكار...كم تعطي؟ وإلى أي حد تستطيع التعبير عن حبها؟ دائماً مقيدة بما سيقوله الناس وبما سيظن هو فيها. انها لا تثق حتى فيه. هو ينظر لها بشهوة بكل عينيه...تحاصره الكثير من الأفكار...هل هي مثل الأخريات اللاتي عرفهن؟ هل ستستسلم امام حبها له مثل الأخريات؟ هل هي سهلة المنال؟ من ادراه انها لم تفعل ذلك مع آخرين قبله؟ دائماً يفكر من خلال تجاربه السابقة. انه لا يثق حتى فيها.     هي تتمنى لو يقدر عطاءها له...تتمنى أن تشعره بالتميز إلا أن المجتمع يضع حول حبها سياجاً من حديدٍ شائك. اما هو، فهى تخشى أن يتخلى عنها...تخشى أن يأخذ بلا عطاء.  هو يتمنى أن يتذوقها...يتمنى أن يعبر لها عن حبه بالطريقة التي يجيدها إلا أنه يخشى أن يظل بعدها أسيراً لشكوكه تجاهها، متهماً إياها في كل لحظة بالخيانة. هي تتمنى لو يتحرر من التفكير الذكوري العنصري ويصبح نفسه فتشعر معه بالأمان والثقة. هو يتمنى لو تتحرر من تقاليد المجتمع التي تضع آلاف القيود على علاقته...

I have been walking in the desert for such long time...aiming to reach  my oasis. Looking back...the decision is too hard. Shall I just turn around and return back after walking the whole of this distance? What if I am giving up when I am just a step away? What about all this wasted effort?! But what if I just kept walking and walking without reaching anything? What if I just wasted more effort without any return? Isn't it possible that I am just fooling myself, hanging on to fake hope? Why can't I see any signs to help me decide? Maybe I am too coward to face myself with the painful truth. It will be such a slap on the face if I have been moving in the wrong direction throughout all that time. Such a hard long journey... What a difficult decision!

Waiting...like I used to do before. It makes me think of that time I spent waiting for something similar to happen...that never did. Wish I just forget. A big exclamation mark popped up from my mind today...how strange! I'm doing the same thing I once criticized. It's so hard to see from your perspective what others  see from their perspective until you are put in the same situation. Sometimes, you will just do the same exact action they did that you were criticizing before...that you actually rejected. Other times, you will even act in a worse way. Yeah...believe me! Am I expecting too much from all people surrounding me, including myself? Once you are 30, you feel like you want to do so many things before it's too late...although it's never late. You never feel it's enough. You always need more and more. You become addicted to stuff like freedom, rebelliousness, ...and you become obsessed with some unusual stuff. I don't know if I should hate how I am...