Female Undeclared Thoughts

Same negative thoughts everyday: the details of the last moments of my father's death, flashes of memories for things we did together, my last bad failure experience with someone who claimed he loves me (being added to the 100 last failures), flashes of memories for different similar failures specially the last one, blaming myself for every simple thing I did and I do even if it's not my fault, ...etc Nothing changes. Loaded with same negative feelings everyday. Trying to resist the negative feelings everyday. So, same exhausting struggle everyday. During my desperate trials to run away from these terrible thoughts, I run to the old days. I think about childhood, school days, my friends, my toys, summer family traveling... And I think about my friend; my closest friend at university. It makes me smile. Looking back, I can see how much he cared without waiting for something in return. He never cared less even after knowing that my feelings are different than his; that it'

Guilt is a feeling that accompanies me all the time. It doesn't go away. I keep blaming myself for every simple act. It results in self-punishment. Revenge is the worst feeling ever. It's a short term relief, a long term pain. You will regret it day and night. I feel sorry for those who are loaded with such negative feelings. They waste their mental and emotional efforts. They stress themselves and exhaust their well-being.  They turn into someone else that they don't know and will never like. Forgiveness is such a hard job. It requires much faith. You have to be aligned with your own self and start with forgiving yourself first. It's a struggle with your own desires. You have to have the insight of the long term happiness and satisfaction that will result from that. Mixed feelings that we, human beings, have!