Female Undeclared Thoughts

I entered the office and he was there...huge man wearing attractive clothes. I wondered who let him in without asking me first...besides, I don't remember I have any meetings. I stretched my arm to greet him but he didn't check hands! he just stood up and smiled. "Do I know you? Have I seen you before?" I asked. He said "Everyday...but I don't think you notice." I put my bag on the desk when he pointed to a photo on the desk asking "your kid?" I smiled "yes". He resumed "by adoption?". My heart beats were racing "How did you know?!" He smiled  "Don't you think that you cannot just turn someone who was raised in the streets into some decent form? I mean...what was raised inside a kid during his childhood is the thing that actually lasts." Calmly I replied "I disagree...people always have a potential to change to a better personality...if they have the will and support." He interrupted...

He is handsome...full of self-confidence that is mixed with slight of ego and professionalism. I liked him. Men rarely grab my attention. Although the meeting was harsh, what he said makes sense. From a professional point of view, I should not be feeling offended. I was already frustrated from another meeting. I went to the meeting knowing the result in advance. I was challenging myself. I went there on purpose to face it...to know the result and to fix what's wrong. I just wanted to break the barrier of fear...wanted to destroy it. On my way back, as I drive my car, I kept asking myself 'did he ask me to come all that way to Smart Village to reject the whole subject?!' He apologized for being cruel...but I don't think he was. I liked the way he did it...I liked how professional he was. Deep inside...I came up with good experience. That's what I keep thinking of nowadays. Even if I'm frustrated from a lot of stuff, and although I am tired running after g...

من أنا؟ سؤالٌ يجب أن يسأله كلٌ منا لنفسه. هل أنا نفسي أم مسخٌ كوّنه المجتمع بمعتقداته وآرائه وتحكماته؟ هل أنا متصالحٌ مع نفسي أم مع القطيع؟ هل أفعل ما أريد أم احيا حياةً أخرى رسمها لي الناس كما ارادوها هم، لا كما تمنيتها؟ احياها واتحمل تبعاتها واشاهد احلامي وآمالي وهي تبتعد عني وتنزوي تدريجياً... بعد سنين من الآن، حين انظر للماضي واراجع الزمن، ستسألني نفسي ماذا حققت وما مدى رضاي عنه؟ كيف سأعيد أجمل سنوات العمر لاحيا حياةً أخرى ارضى عنها وابتسم حين اراجعها بعد سنواتٍ من الآن؟ لقد اصبحنا نخشى نظرة المجتمع اكثر مما نخشى الله...وباتت أفعالنا مبنية على نيل رضا الناس وتجنب رفضهم لنا ونقدهم لتصرفاتنا. لطالما تمنيت أن اصادف ذلك الانسان الصريح مع ذاته، الذي يفرض شخصيته لا بالصوت العالي ظناً منه انه بذلك يفرض رجولته وسيطرته، ولكن بشجاعته في مواجهة المجتمع والناس، والدفاع عن حقه، والتمسك بما يريده، والاصرار على الوصول لمبتغاه، واحترام حرية الآخرين بعدم الحكم عليهم. كيف اتبع مجتمعاً إذا اختلفت معه في الرأي أصبحت عدواً له، وإذا اردت ان اتبع ما انا مؤمنةٌ به صرت منبوذةً فيه! لقد تعاظمت...

لا أدري لِم اتصفح ألبوم الذكريات...دفعني الحنين إلى الماضي فوجدتني أقلّب بين الصور. خفق قلبي عند رؤية صورته. ما افتقدت شخصًا في حياتي بقدر ما افتقدته. مرت سنوات كثيرة ولازلت اراه صديقي الصدوق. ما شعرت بالأمان مع رجل مثلما شعرت معه. مازلت أذكر تلك النظرة على وجهه...وابتسم كلما مررت على مكان يحمل لنا الكثير من الذكريات. متى مرت كل تلك السنوات؟ ترى ماذا يفعل الآن؟ كيف تغيرت ملامحه؟ هل كرهني بعد كل ما حدث؟ هل مازال يذكرني؟ وكأننا كنا معًا بالأمس...وكأن الزمن لم يمر.  أفتقد الجامعة بجدرانها المهيبة كما أفتقد صديقاتي اللاتي كنت أقضي معهن معظم أوقاتي. أفتقد حتى الأماكن التي كانت تجمعنا. كم تغيرنا! لازلت أشعر بمشاعر خاصة جدًا كلما زرت الجامعة...مزيج من السعادة والشجن والحنين. كم تحمل لنا من ذكريات بين جنباتها! كم افتقد الحديث إليه وكم اشتاق واحتاج إلى دعمه ومساندته لي. من العجيب انه برغم كل تلك المشاعر إلا انني اخشى رؤيته، وكأنني احافظ على صورته في مخيلتي كما كانت منذ سنوات...اريد أن يبقى كما هو، دون أن تشوه صورته الأيام...دون أن يتغير. أحتاج إليه فأقلّب صفحات الماضي فأرى...

10 years from now...in my company office...in the tall building surrounded by a beautiful garden, I sit in front of my desk...looking out of the window from where sunlight penetrates. Finally, a less stressful work day...short break from the usual overload. Lot of thoughts jumping around in my mind, I lean back the chair and smile: "I achieved my dream. Here I am...finally. I spent so many years struggling. I sacrificed a lot in my personal life." The smile fades away. A knock on the door freaked out my thoughts that they ran out of my mind.The secretary entered telling me that someone is waiting to meet me. I opened the calendar; there are no meetings today! Although I didn't feel like having another unscheduled meeting in the few minutes of my break, I felt like I have no choice but to let the guest in. Lot of inquiries in my head! As I raised my head, I saw his face...with that attractive smile still on as if the years could not sweep it out. For a moment, I froz...

Sitting there by my side in the cafe, he smiled at me then poured some coffee in my cup. I looked into the cup...it's empty! He then resumed talking. I never memorized any of the words he usually says. He always victimizes himself by talking about circumstances...as if he always has no choice. He is always driven by mysterious force! He kept talking but no words actually reached my ears...I could see them flying around. I shivered. I looked at the cafe glass door...it's very sunny outside! I said "It's very cold here"...but he didn't pay attention. He was busy talking. I had another look at the glass door, I saw children playing. I smiled. I thought I may excuse him to go to the bathroom then sneak out for some fresh air and warm sunlight. I was about to stand when surprisingly I couldn't move my leg! Panicky, I looked down to find that my leg is tied to the chair with chains!! I could feel the panic popping out of my look, scudding across the place....

Have a lot of thoughts struggling inside…lot of inquiries about religion, beliefs, culture…the mix of all of them together where people cannot distinguish anymore whether we are following our religion or culture or a belief. They are all blended together that we cannot actually map our actions to its correct referral origin. I think that the blend resulted in a hideous result. I am getting more rebellious against a lot of ideas that people are living with on daily basis. Recently, I am getting so angry towards a lot of stuff that totally degrades women and humiliate them…just one of many issues. When I thought about it, it’s not only a problem that is related to Arab culture…women are searching for their rights everywhere in the world, there are many associations for women rights in Europe and USA. Even at IBM, women had groups to prove to IBM worldwide what they do and that they are as efficient as men! I think that is what I have been suffering from internally for long time...