ME

For long time I have been walking around with my backpack wondering every night, I am late for few minutes, about where to spend the night;where I am going to sleep today. I walk around with my clothes, makeup, laptop. The most important thing is that I have my car and my office...I gain my security from them!
Quickly...I prepare a backup plan: if I was thrown out, I'll just take my car and go to my office. I have my laptop and spare stuff at office. I have my credit card...so I don't have to think about money now. I live day by day...instant plans.
The thing that I'm mostly scared of is that my freedom gets stolen. Nothing else scares me.
I'm so stubborn...so persistent...that I'm eating myself inside out; killing me slowly. I'm trying to keep standing up, no matter what, which decays me. Can't stop it. I don't want to give up.
No one can steal my body. No one deserves. It's sacred.
Lot of things hurt me but I rarely speak them out.
I know I pushed all those I love away. I believe I'll be happier alone. I can live with me regardless of all the self torture and continuous punishments I throw at myself. Living with anyone else is very hard.
I thought it's me, not giving myself the fair chance to get into a relation. Now, I'm hundred percent sure I don't fit. I really tried and I failed. I don't fit into the marriage system. I don't fit into sophisticated relations that require living with someone else on daily basis and dealing with all aspects in life. That's so complicated!
I wanna fly and see the world from above. I wanna turn into a wiser person, more mature. I wanna be free. I don't want to spoil the life of anyone else; neither a man nor children. Such a hell of responsibility!
I never ran from responsibilities as long as I have passion. I do the things I love. I do not give up unless I reach my goals and achieve my dreams.
Can't reach my dream...it's fading away. At moments, I really need to give up. I feel like it's time. I'm so exhausted and consumed. I'm ruined.
Silence is something I'm excellent at. Silence says a lot.
My brain is so complicated...very analytical. Wish I can turn it off...but I can't. It's causing me a lot of problems. I can't deny, however, it's helping me a lot.
Can't find the Switch Off button to stop my brain or the Undo button to erase bad memories from the past...I have to live the moment.
Maybe it's time to lose things in order to gain other things. Lose the successful company dream to gain health and peace of mind. Lose the lover to gain the father I lost for years. Lose making a family to gain freedom and fly over the world. Nothing is too bad. Everything has a double face.
I don't want to hurt anyone...I just wanna be alone. That's what I can tolerate.
I need to wake up in a new home, in a new country, with new people...goodbye old life and welcome tomorrow.