Back to Myself

I'm cured. I have been sick for around two years with a serious disease. Every now and then, my heart enlightens with that hope of defeating this chronic illness. I have been through more than one healing period. Each time, I try to pull myself up to stand on my feet again, trying to kill that pain forever. At some moments, I surrendered. I thought I had to live with it...I believed there was no way out. Now...I'm healed.

It's very surprising how you can lie to yourself for such a long period. You see the truth but you deny it and you prefer to live in a lie instead! Such a painful experience. What really hurts is not the experience itself but the truth behind it...the distorted image of someone you once thought you know well. People have their own faults and weakness. I believe I was trying all the time to be understanding and accept people as they are. However, it's very hard to accept a fake personality that claimed to be someone else.

Once you start lying till it becomes a daily habit, you destroy the bridge of trust forever. Once you abuse someone who loves you, you tear apart true innocent pure feelings.

As I think of every single incident during these two years, a volcano of anger bursts inside and feelings of hatred slowly crawls into my heart. I never hated anyone. How could I let it in?! How strange! Suddenly all that love turned into anger and hatred! How can I hate someone that much although I never hated anyone before? Feelings are complicated.

As I think over the past two years, I can see the truth pretty clear but my eyes were shut in order not to see it. I gave too many chances. I forgave a lot. I have always created so many excuses to justify abuse, selfishness, non-ethical behavior, weakness, defeatism...
I wonder how I could do this to myself!

I admit it's my fault too. I admit I was wrong. I regret every single second I spent living these feelings. I wish I can undo all that time I wasted in torture, humiliation, and pain. I have always accepted the consequences of all my decisions in life, no matter how good or bad they are. This is the point where I get introduced to regret.

Although I wish so many times to scream, exploding all the suppressed feelings inside, I'm fighting hatred. I don't want to allow hatred in because of such bad experience. I'm in the healing process...inhaling the light again...opening my arms to freedom. What is left from the past is a ruined figure with ugly distorted face that I cannot remember its features. I know that one day, regret will know its way to it. Regret will hurt much then...and fear will be a persistent ghost.

I grabbed the past and throw it behind my back then I spread my wings and flew. Nothing is as precious as freedom. I can smell its wonderful breeze. I can hug the sunlight. I can enjoy the feelings of forgiveness and peace. I can fly high and see the whole world.

I'm back.