Me and Men

I wake up each morning feeling that I miss my grandma, my fish, my childhood...I'm always in a "missing the past" mood. However, I'm thankful that now I don't miss my self confidence.

Another failure relation, that's how all my relationships with men end. I'm really bad at keeping such relationships for long time...what do I mean by long time anyway?!
Love-hate relationships they are. I keep pulling then pushing all the way. I always feel insecure so I need to have the upper hand, to be empowered by self confidence. Once they intrude my life, I feel irritated, hesitant, suffocated...then I start becoming wild, aggressive, and I keep pushing till I kick them out of my life, usually...or always?

Once they are out, I keep thinking again. I feel guilty. I'm always hesitant whether I actually need someone in my life or not. I want to be free. I want to get rid of any relationship chains. No commitments. I feel really good when I'm on my own, free, light, cheerful, can fly anywhere, passionate, optimistic, laugh loudly, ....BUT!
That's strange because at special moments, I wish I'm with my beloved, being taken care of, being loved, being intimate to someone, ...

I know it's a vital thing to me to feel desired and loved by men specially. It arouses my feminine instinct. I need it to be watered and taken care of every now and then, but with no commitments!
I know I'm hard to deal with.Sometimes I don't even understand myself so I realize how difficult it is for a man to understand me. I never blamed them for why it ended  but it's the how that matters.
Sometimes I feel lonely. I admit that remaining lonely is a scary idea to me. However, commitment to a man is a more scary idea.
Maybe I'm sick. Psychiatrists said I'm not.

I need special treatment, special man, that I'm not even fully aware how special.

Time passes quickly. I was never afraid of time before. Now I think I am. Things change. That's a true fact of life.