Self-confidence Slip Away
I found out that self confidence means a lot to me...more than "a lot". When I am confident, I feel I am me...I am being myself...free...natural...I smile from my deep heart.When I lose my self confidence, I become controlled by an evil spirit within me. I feel like I hate people...I hate myself. I feel like crying. I feel humiliated.
I keep struggling in order not to act unfairly with others just because I feel too small. Strange how your thoughts can twist 180 degrees. Instead of feeling successful, you feel like a big loser who wasted all his life in non-sense. Instead of feeling beautiful, you feel ugly. Instead of feeling that you are desired and loved, you feel you smell like rotten egg that people run away from. You start suspecting everything; how you think, how you feel, how you look, how you sound like, how you smell, how you are seen by others. It brings back in your mind the worst memories ever.
I discovered that I may just love someone because he makes me feel self-confident all the time. I love him because I feel like a princess in his presence. I feel confident and desired as long as he is there. I am always sure, no matter what happens, he will be back.
Am I losing it? What happened? Why am I thinking that way?...stopping at an insect crossing the road!! Is my confidence in myself that fragile?! I thought it was harder to break. Am I picking mistakes?! I just wished he could avoid this area.
For a character like me, it's hard to forget such things. I just feel like I only adapt with living alone...like I won't be able to change this one day. This is my comfort zone although I never wanted to stay in a comfort zone.
I will not allow anyone to even come close to that area. I love me. Don't push me to hate myself because once I do, I will hate you much more. Why can I accept and adapt to people mistakes in so many incidents in life while I can't do it once when it hits my self confidence even when it's not done on purpose?! Is it me again just doing this to spoil the whole relationship as usual? I thought it was different.
Although I deeply believe that we should express our feelings honestly, and that it facilitates communication much and enhances relationship, I just can't prohibit being hurt. I also don't forget such stuff. It leaves mark behind. I fear me much. I fear me more than I fear anything else...and I don't fear anyone anyway.
Torn between being happy that the relation is natural and honest, and being hurt from issues I made it up...maybe!
Will I be able to get over it?!
I keep struggling in order not to act unfairly with others just because I feel too small. Strange how your thoughts can twist 180 degrees. Instead of feeling successful, you feel like a big loser who wasted all his life in non-sense. Instead of feeling beautiful, you feel ugly. Instead of feeling that you are desired and loved, you feel you smell like rotten egg that people run away from. You start suspecting everything; how you think, how you feel, how you look, how you sound like, how you smell, how you are seen by others. It brings back in your mind the worst memories ever.
I discovered that I may just love someone because he makes me feel self-confident all the time. I love him because I feel like a princess in his presence. I feel confident and desired as long as he is there. I am always sure, no matter what happens, he will be back.
Am I losing it? What happened? Why am I thinking that way?...stopping at an insect crossing the road!! Is my confidence in myself that fragile?! I thought it was harder to break. Am I picking mistakes?! I just wished he could avoid this area.
For a character like me, it's hard to forget such things. I just feel like I only adapt with living alone...like I won't be able to change this one day. This is my comfort zone although I never wanted to stay in a comfort zone.
I will not allow anyone to even come close to that area. I love me. Don't push me to hate myself because once I do, I will hate you much more. Why can I accept and adapt to people mistakes in so many incidents in life while I can't do it once when it hits my self confidence even when it's not done on purpose?! Is it me again just doing this to spoil the whole relationship as usual? I thought it was different.
Although I deeply believe that we should express our feelings honestly, and that it facilitates communication much and enhances relationship, I just can't prohibit being hurt. I also don't forget such stuff. It leaves mark behind. I fear me much. I fear me more than I fear anything else...and I don't fear anyone anyway.
Torn between being happy that the relation is natural and honest, and being hurt from issues I made it up...maybe!
Will I be able to get over it?!
Comments
Post a Comment