A smile...for the Old Days
Same negative thoughts everyday: the details of the last moments of my father's death, flashes of memories for things we did together, my last bad failure experience with someone who claimed he loves me (being added to the 100 last failures), flashes of memories for different similar failures specially the last one, blaming myself for every simple thing I did and I do even if it's not my fault, ...etc
Nothing changes. Loaded with same negative feelings everyday. Trying to resist the negative feelings everyday. So, same exhausting struggle everyday.
During my desperate trials to run away from these terrible thoughts, I run to the old days. I think about childhood, school days, my friends, my toys, summer family traveling...
And I think about my friend; my closest friend at university. It makes me smile. Looking back, I can see how much he cared without waiting for something in return. He never cared less even after knowing that my feelings are different than his; that it's of a different type. He never hated me for it or sought revenge. When I analyze this now, I stop at it amazed of how strong and noble he is, and how elegant and sincere his feelings are.
After being through a lot of different experiences and mingling with people, he seems like one of the imaginal stories that we can just dream of but can rarely find in reality.
Then, I wish if I'm back again to one of those days at university, just a day, where we used to be together. I imagine us walking out of university at the end of day, like we used to do. It makes me smile. As if it's my shelter that I run to whenever I feel bad to feel better. I better keep it to me...only, it's more valuable than exposing it to minds that will never understand what I'm talking about.
But we were different then. People change over years. That's why I just want to keep it inside, as a memory.
I miss those feelings. They were very unique and special. I never felt those feelings again.
I pass by the university gate and the pavement where we used to walk...and all memories jump to my mind...and I smile. Wish I can get back just for this one day. I need it.
I think I'll stay stuck in memories for long time. Dad is everywhere. Guilt is a friend. Bad experiences will always happen with the good ones, unless we are in heaven.
And I'll always miss the old special days and smile.
Nothing changes. Loaded with same negative feelings everyday. Trying to resist the negative feelings everyday. So, same exhausting struggle everyday.
During my desperate trials to run away from these terrible thoughts, I run to the old days. I think about childhood, school days, my friends, my toys, summer family traveling...
And I think about my friend; my closest friend at university. It makes me smile. Looking back, I can see how much he cared without waiting for something in return. He never cared less even after knowing that my feelings are different than his; that it's of a different type. He never hated me for it or sought revenge. When I analyze this now, I stop at it amazed of how strong and noble he is, and how elegant and sincere his feelings are.
After being through a lot of different experiences and mingling with people, he seems like one of the imaginal stories that we can just dream of but can rarely find in reality.
Then, I wish if I'm back again to one of those days at university, just a day, where we used to be together. I imagine us walking out of university at the end of day, like we used to do. It makes me smile. As if it's my shelter that I run to whenever I feel bad to feel better. I better keep it to me...only, it's more valuable than exposing it to minds that will never understand what I'm talking about.
But we were different then. People change over years. That's why I just want to keep it inside, as a memory.
I miss those feelings. They were very unique and special. I never felt those feelings again.
I pass by the university gate and the pavement where we used to walk...and all memories jump to my mind...and I smile. Wish I can get back just for this one day. I need it.
I think I'll stay stuck in memories for long time. Dad is everywhere. Guilt is a friend. Bad experiences will always happen with the good ones, unless we are in heaven.
And I'll always miss the old special days and smile.
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