Hills and Valleys

Down into the valleys...deep down. Can't believe I'm here again!
Is it true that once I reach a hill, I suddenly find myself again into a valley?! or is it just how I feel about it?
Well...in all cases, I believe I have to recall my will and persistence again and climb up to the hill. Same thoughts:

  • I don't want to fall
  • I'm afraid to stay here in the valley
  • I've done much effort to reach the hill....why am I here again?
  • I'm tired. I've been climbing up for years and I haven't reached the hill yet!
  • Is there any hope I can stay up there for longer time?
Many many questions that I repeat to myself each time I'm down...and there are many downs!
However, down here, I meet many people; some support me to climb up while others are disappointed enough. I could see few people on the hill...lucky ones! I always wonder how they managed to stay there.
It's challenging. It has always been challenging. Maybe I'm getting tired of all these challenges. Maybe I need some other type of support. I'm thirsty to love and understanding.
Even when I reach up there, there will be other types of challenges...different challenges. I know I can't live without challenges. It charges my powers; my capabilities.
I'm leaving this valley...I need to leave.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

حين ألتقت الأعين

وألتقينا بعد أكثر من ثماني سنوات من الفراق. وارتعد قلبي رهبةً حين علمت انه ضمن المدعوين.  أخشى لقاءه بعد كل تلك السنوات وقد كان الأقرب إلى نفسي لسنواتٍ عديدة وأنا أعلم انه ما أحبني رجل قدر ما أحبني هو. كيف تلتقي الأعين بعد كل تلك السنوات وقد تغير كلانا؟! ما أصعب اللقاء الثاني! وكأنني أردت أن أغلق عيناي على صورته كما رأيتها لآخر مرة منذ سنوات...وكأنني فضلت أن أراه دائماً بيني وبين نفسي كما كان أيام الجامعة. لم أشأ أن تعبث السنوات بذكرياتي الجميلة فآثرت أن أبقيها كما هي...كما كانت...كما كنا منذ سنوات. وتمنيت ألا يأتي... لكنه آتى.... وبقدر ما تحاشيت لقاءه، تمنيت رؤيته. كان مجرد وجوده يشعرني بالأمان. ما شعرت قط بالأمان بقدرما استشعرت ذلك معه. هو الآن زوج وأب...وأنا، كما صرحت له منذ سنوات، كما أنا. ما آمنت قط أنه نسى....كنت أعلم أنني أحضر على خاطره بين آونةٍ وأخرى فيبتسم بقدر ما هو ساخط عليّ لأنني آلمته. نعم، أنا على باله، مثلما استحضر ذكرياتنا معاً كلما افتقدته واحتجت إليه. وانتفض قلبي حين رأيته. حاولت مراراً أن أتحاشى النظر إليه إلا أنني فشلت. وحين غا...
Read more

Back to Myself

I'm cured. I have been sick for around two years with a serious disease. Every now and then, my heart enlightens with that hope of defeating this chronic illness. I have been through more than one healing period. Each time, I try to pull myself up to stand on my feet again, trying to kill that pain forever. At some moments, I surrendered. I thought I had to live with it...I believed there was no way out. Now...I'm healed. It's very surprising how you can lie to yourself for such a long period. You see the truth but you deny it and you prefer to live in a lie instead! Such a painful experience. What really hurts is not the experience itself but the truth behind it...the distorted image of someone you once thought you know well. People have their own faults and weakness. I believe I was trying all the time to be understanding and accept people as they are. However, it's very hard to accept a fake personality that claimed to be someone else. Once you start lying till ...
Read more

Me and Men

I wake up each morning feeling that I miss my grandma, my fish, my childhood...I'm always in a "missing the past" mood. However, I'm thankful that now I don't miss my self confidence. Another failure relation, that's how all my relationships with men end. I'm really bad at keeping such relationships for long time...what do I mean by long time anyway?! Love-hate relationships they are. I keep pulling then pushing all the way. I always feel insecure so I need to have the upper hand, to be empowered by self confidence. Once they intrude my life, I feel irritated, hesitant, suffocated...then I start becoming wild, aggressive, and I keep pushing till I kick them out of my life, usually...or always? Once they are out, I keep thinking again. I feel guilty. I'm always hesitant whether I actually need someone in my life or not. I want to be free. I want to get rid of any relationship chains. No commitments. I feel really good when I'm on my own, free,...
Read more