Female Undeclared Thoughts

I found out that self confidence means a lot to me...more than "a lot". When I am confident, I feel I am me...I am being myself...free...natural...I smile from my deep heart.When I lose my self confidence, I become controlled by an evil spirit within me. I feel like I hate people...I hate myself. I feel like crying. I feel humiliated. I keep struggling in order not to act unfairly with others just because I feel too small. Strange how your thoughts can twist 180 degrees. Instead of feeling successful, you feel like a big loser who wasted all his life in non-sense. Instead of feeling beautiful, you feel ugly. Instead of feeling that you are desired and loved, you feel you smell like rotten egg that people run away from. You start suspecting everything; how you think, how you feel, how you look, how you sound like, how you smell, how you are seen by others. It brings back in your mind the worst memories ever. I discovered that I may just love someone because he makes me fe...

One of my new challenges in life is that I am facing nowadays. I have lived long years of panic and fear from such commitment. I struggled for long time but I failed...failed in each trial. I was about to lose faith in my own self. Risk has been the core of my life, however, I could not take the risk whenever it comes to commitment to someone. I have always failed! I always step back when it's time to step forward. Now, I am totally drawn to him. Such a feeling, that I never felt before, that is totally new and strange to me. I am totally impressed. Never imagined that someone could impress me one day. Can't believe it's real. I'm wondering whether it's a dream...one of my day dreams that I am living through. How could he melt all the accumulated fear over years? How could he just simply ease my worries? In a single moment, all the emotions deep inside were turned 180 degrees after too many failure trials. Where have you been? I have been searching for you fo...

الخوف ينهش أجمل لحظات حياتي. تأكدت الآن أن الحب غير قادر على ابقاء العلاقة مهما كان قوياً.  الزواج عملية عقلية بحته. الحب علاقة تحررت من العقل وقيوده حتى صارت درباً من الجنون واللا منطق. الحب يبقى حتى لو لم تستمر العلاقة. الجمع بين الحب والزواج أمر في غاية التعقيد. منذ تسلل الخوف إلى قلبي يوماً وهو لم يغادره. تقتل صراحتي شعوراً بالاستقرار،ربما، برغم انها تزرع شعوراً آخر بالأمان. المواجهة تختصر الكثير من القلق...من تلك اللحظات التي تمر عليك كطعنات السكين المؤلمة، تاركةً وراءها تشوهات. أكاد أرى تلك التشوهات في كل جزء في روحي. كلٌ قد حفر تشوهاً وترك وراءه آثاراً لم يمحيها الزمان...وأظنها سوف تظل باقية. كلما تخيلت أن الأوان قد آن لمداواة الجراح، يتضح لي أنني ما ازال تلك الطفلة البريئة الساذجة التي تفرح بألعابٍ من نسج خيالها. الخوف في قلبي باقياً والوحدة مستمرة والحرية سوف تظل أهم احتياج على الاطلاق.